Dear Red States

I’ve just had this email forwarded to me from Doug Ross:

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,

Blue States

Although this is obviously in jest, I think it raises an important point: it’s the progressives who have been responsible for just about everything that’s great about America, and the conservatives have been a drag on them. If the US did split along these lines, the red states would become a second or even third world country, while the blue states would become stronger and more powerful than ever.

Tags: , ,

sad to hear that someone would even come up with something like that, not saying that canadians are perfect but i’m happy to live in canada lol

  
Quote
  Reply

Next time the South demands secession, I’m all for it.

  
Quote
  Reply

Sad, but true. Except, of course, in terms of literary contribution, as most of the great US writers were from the south: Twain, Faulkner, Harper Lee, etc. Also, all the great college football teams are in the SEC, or Big 12 South. Plus, the red states have Yellowstone & the Grand Canyon, most of the Rockies, Arches, & Smokey Mtn National Park. They would also get 80% of the oil & natural gas resources, & all the refining capacity, which would mean the blue states would really have to speed up their transition to renewables. I guess if you look at it, although the blue states do have the advantage, there are a number of things that the red states possess that we wouldn’t want to give up, and some that might make life rather difficult. Plus, this last election cycle has shown a number of red states turning blue for the first time in decades, which just shows how more & more progressives are spreading out, and these areas are becoming more socially developed.

  
Quote
  Reply

Being a conservative from a blue state, I must disagree with a good portion of the “jest” aspects of the post. Hawaii would not join the other blue states. Since 75% of our economy comes from the military, I’m fairly certain that we would simply seek independence from America altogether. Additionally, New York would NEVER accept placement under California! Good luck with that one. :p

I suppose that if that did happen… the Governator would be President pro-tempore. ;)

And congratulations to President-Elect Obama.

  
Quote
  Reply

There is a huge granite dome (900′ + elevation) that sits just ouside the city limits of Atlanta, GA, known as Stone Mountain. On the side wall of this mysterious rounded monolith is a carving of a group of four Confederate dignitaries on horseback — I don’t remember for sure who all is included, but I know General Robert E. Lee and Confederate president Jeff Davis are featured. Though supposedly deposed at the official end of the Civil War in 1865, those public figures still cut an impressive and defiant spectacle. In light of the currently threatened world economic collapse, these figures stand as veritable horsemen of the Apocalypse, at a prophetic beginning point rather than at a romantically tragic ending, and not a mere peculiarity of the Old South of the USA. (Did Georgia go entirely RED this time?)

  
Quote
  Reply

alcove,
It’s 3 gentlemen, not all on horseback, & the other is Stonewall Jackson. Georgia went red in the presidential race, but it was a lot closer than people thought. It also just about split its representatives (7 republican, 6 democrat) I wouldn’t necessarily call that a harbinger of doom.

Dane, I knew I forgot something! Most of the US’s military bases, including the largest in Killeen TX, are in red states, as well as our nukes. Also, Georgia has the CDC, with our only remnants of weaponized smallpox, and the source of the vaccines that cure most biological agents. So that makes the red states even more worth holding on to, so at least to avoid a Soviet-collapse style proliferation of WMD’s.

  
Quote
  Reply

Thank you, Sagredo. This last Halloween seems to have been a little too much for me. I feel comforted about your news from Georgia, which I hadn’t had time to check out myself. When I worked there at UGA-Athens in 1981-83 I made friends of several ethnicities, visited freely, and experienced a very progressive, upbeat microcosm (I stayed away from CDC, and didn’t discuss it with science co-workers). At least the summation of the present-day Georgia vote structure proved to be close to an even split. As for the 4th “horseman”, I think I really did see a ghost… I remembered Stonewall after posting my blurb. Pardon me, Sachiko.

  
Quote
  Reply

Can you please explain what you mean by ‘Red State and Blue State’ to a non USA reader?

  
Quote
  Reply

Hi porkar. Red states are the ones who vote republican, blue states are the ones who vote democrat.

  
Quote
  Reply

Texas and Oklahoma were not slave states.

  
Quote
  Reply

I don’t believe the article says that – it says Texas, Oklahoma and the slave states.

  
Quote
  Reply

“All the slave states” is a very vague term. All the former 13 colonies at one time allowed slavery. This includes blue states like NC, VA, MD, PA, NY, etc. None of the 50 states allow slavery anymore. I know that they mean the “Old South” or the former Confederacy, but they are really using a pretty arbitrary delimiter in their reference, as many red states were merely territories then, and Alaska was still part of Russia at the time. Anyhow, that’s a pretty childish comment all together, which takes away from the message of the letter.

  
Quote
  Reply

Don’t care for your political takes, Sachiko…..but you do have an amazingly nice pair of jugs!!! :) :)

  
Quote
  Reply

I understand that not everyone will enjoy my writings, but at least you like two things about me. ;-)

  
Quote
  Reply

Reading such hubris,,,,red state v. blue state…. just reinforces my belief that nothing will change.

Obama may be good intentioned (jury is still out, cuase he’s a blank slate) but he’ll meet his match with a venal Congress.

  
Quote
  Reply

Nothing like blue-state snobbery.

Can we hold you to this, though? You get earthquakes, mudslides, smog, and the idiot Hollywood celebrities of California, and we’ll take the prairies. You take the gang wars, and we’ll take the beauty of Alaska. You take embryonic stem-cell research — an utter failure — and we’ll take adult stem-cell research, which is actually helping people.

And, wait — you WANT Eliot Spitzer?

  
Quote
  Reply

The major problem with doing this split now is that we’d have people who believe in the rapture in possession of a huge nuclear stockpile. It’s a shame America didn’t stay split after the civil war – the south would be a backwards theocracy, and the north really would be the greatest country on earth (as they are responsible for pretty much everything that allows the US to make that claim).

  
Quote
  Reply

It is sad how people choose to blame all of the problems on the “south”,
when the problems came not from regions but from people all over the
country, remember, history is written by those in power.

Thank you.

  
Quote
  Reply